I’ve mentioned that my prescriber and I seem to have stumbled upon a drug that alleviates the deadness and perennial grayness of my moods. Lamotrigine (the generic form of Lamictal) has lightened my overall mood and has made me more productive. There is a low-level anxiety that it won’t last. There is no rational reason to think so, but the memory of the grayness is still fresh.
Although there has been a lightening of my mood, the change is not uniform. I feel better overall and am more productive. However, the improvement is punctuated by occasional and unpredictable moods of extreme blackness.
Throughout my most recent episode of depression overall it was a dragging oppressive sameness. It didn’t matter whether I got better or got worse. Everything was a boring gray. This has changed. The black moods are filled with an acute despair instead of with a chronic despair.