Saturday, March 26, 2011

An apology of sorts for an unexpected absence

Sorry for taking so long to get back to this. It's not that I've changed my mind. There have been some developments in my life. Changes to schedules, changes, and some more changes. Probably the most important is that my mother is terminally ill with ovarian cancer. She will most likely pass away in the next few weeks. That has been alternately depressing and invigorating. Depressing is clear enough, nobody is really ever ready for their mommy to pass away. The child within is never reconciled to loss and separation. But invigorating? I'm 50, really almost 51, and I'm hardly ready to grow fat, sedentary, and old.

I've found myself reading up on Nietzsche (again). Whenever this happens, it inevitably leads to a surge in intellectual and spiritual activity. It hardly matters whether this return to Nietzsche is inadvertent or by choice. Or maybe I'm skeptical that I have that much good sense: do I need to be repeatedly convinced because of a forgetfulness? It strikes me as indecent to like someone just because we agree in some matter. Maybe it's self-indecent to be in agreement with myself? Have my self-destructive tendencies become so sublimated that ego is an affront to itself in need of shattering? Fragmentation seems like it would be possible to find the pieces in shapes that fit back together. Is ego Humpty Dumpty? Is my ego "mine" because nobody else will lay claim to it?

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