Thursday, February 6, 2014

What Good is Self-Loathing?

However sweet and intriguing thoughts and feelings might have once been, they lack any power to hold spellbound any longer. The magical infatuation is gone. That which was near and dear to my heart is treated with suspicion and coldness. There are no innocents and none to protect them even if there were. It is enough that something is loved that it be distrusted. Antagonism toward old comforts and hackneyed pleasures rages on. The weak are tortured for their secrets. Civil war the new normal. Coalitions form and dissolve until internecine warfare itself seems petty with the contempt that begat it contemptible.

Following its own internal logic, self-contempt in its revulsion at its pettiness becomes haughtiness and power over weaknesses. The fragment of self that does the loathing comes to be godlike in its hard ruthlessness, like Yahweh when he was still capable of pitiless cruelty. Self-divinity is intoxicating and begets desire for even more and greater self-loathing. Contempt overcomes contempt. Self-mastery is inseparable from self-loathing.

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